God Has His Reasons -- December 13th Entry

God has His reasons...
 for allowing / changing plans, despite my prayers to the contrary. I still wouldn't be surprised if spiritual warfare were not involved at some level. Regardless, I'm spending my first night in New York, ever! I reluctantly parted with my blue and green plaid wrap, leaving it in my vehicle that we locked in the Memphis Airport parking lot. I regret NOT bringing that AND my blue velvet hat AND my white eyelash scarf!

Although we flew over increasingly-deepening levels of snow the farther north our plane went northward toward Detroit, the yards and golf courses around JFK International Airport in New York were still bright green outside our plan windows! In contrast, the "storm," however, would be found to be INSIDE the airport at Gate 11!

I'm still PLODDING...

Along...even though it appears I've retreated into my "TURTLE-SHELL"! Actually, I suppose THAT is perhaps what I have done, in reality. It is almost like I'm emerging from a loooonnnggg "Hibernation" from "Being Myself"! I correlate these last ten or so years of my life:  "The Second Adolescence"!

Due to EARLY-onset "Change-of-Life," I have been struggling over the past ten or more years to "adjust" to the "New ME." THIS "Me" is a synthesis of an inkling of my "OLD, original" self, enveloped within an unrecognizable, non-responsive, pain-ridden BODY or SHELL!

Plopped on top is a "Styrofoam Globe" of my so-called "MIND" that abandoned me instantly upon graduation from my Master's Program! After pouring my ENTIRE heart, soul, spirit, body, mind, time, energy, focus, and resources into successful acquisition and practical implementation of all the knowledge and skills infused into my spongy mind, I was EMPTY!!!!

Slowly, VERY slowly...through prayer, God's grace, and extremely patient friends, along with therapy and diligent medical treatment, I am gently, cautiously emerging from my protective shell. But I am being oh, so tentative, cautious, and SLOW!

There is SO much MORE to my journey, yet, since these years were beyond overwhelming to me, I tend to simplify and consolidate them into a vague, condensed "wad" of contemplation...at least, for now.

A Chair Like Me...

in a decorator showroom in Arkansas that captured my personality perfectly grabbed my attention! Although it was way too expensive, I was drawn to it on a deeply emotional level. in complete contrast to my struggle to detach from worldly ' desires. ' Yet my longing had nothing to do with acquiring more possession, it met a deeper core need:  the expression of my inner creative artistic colorful, even 'Bohemian' self! None of which has been given freedom of expression outwardly, concretely, in the decor of our home. it was like this chair screamed ME! But for now, my screams continue to remain silent!

I REALLY DO WANT

Monday, November 12, 2007  - 9:04 PM

Lord,

... to work with children. They are SO precious, unpolluted--even if they've been violated…they've yet to become totally cynical, and completely untrusting, as adults get, after having been hurt, burned, used, violated, and betrayed so many times throughout their lives, that they eventually just wear down from it all…like a Bobo-punching doll that finally gets pricked with something sharp enough to penetrate through and puncture the membrane so that all the air finally escapes…then, no matter how much air is blown back into it, it cannot stay inflated any longer, because of the puncture--the hole in its heart.

Kids may leak a little air, slowly deflating over time, but they generally resist most punctures--even the vilest offenses--until they become so numerous that the punches and kicks come so often that they have no chance to rise up before getting punched or kicked again and again…I know what that's like. I don't want anyone else to grow up so discouraged that they won't want to get back up anymore eventually. I want to be a part of instilling resiliency, safety, trust, freedom to be themselves, faith, hope, and unconditional love…perhaps the only genuine form they may get at any point in their lives--so they'll get a "taste" of YOU, Lord…if at no other time in their lives. That's all. But I know You can provide through others…just PLEASE do so, if not through me.

That's what’s on my heart now, Lord. I leave it all in yours now, too.

All of me,

Audrey

Another Twist

in the Journey...

of Turtle Girl's twirling around is a retirement, a move, a break in school/seminary, a new job, a 50th anniversary party, new furniture shopping, a heart-breaking funeral, a ton of traveling,and LOTS of HOT / EXHAUSTING WORK in the midst of all...loss and gain, sadness and joy, work and (hopefully, eventually) rest, old and new, trash and buy. Sounds a lot like some Scripture, doesn't it? I think perhaps somewhere around Ecclesiastes 3..."There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:..." Why don't you find the closest Bible to you (probably on the internet) and go to Ecclesiastes 3 to finish reading the entire passage--note especially the ending--my favorite:  "...and a time for peace."